Tough Love

Love is a beautiful gift.

Roses.
Smiles.
Hugs.
Kisses.
Hearts.
Rainbows and Spring Showers.

These images come to my mind when I think of "love."

But no one really talks about the other side of love. The more complex side of love, that I think, IS more of a gift because it's NOT suferficial and "easy" to do exactly.

Well, last night I had to explore that other side as my best friend, B texts me explaining that she is homeless again. Can she please come stay with me???

I was highly annoyed when I first saw that. I mean...B and I met under the umbrella of homelessness, because once upon a time, I was exactly like her. Two out of control addicts self destructing and destroying everyone/thing in our paths.
She and I just clicked. We bonded quickly and met at a time when I can safely say I'd been to hell and back. (But that is for another time and is another story.) and I was READY, god was I READY, to FINALLY change my life.
So we moved into a sober house together and that is when G came into the picture. G and B are like a tornado together...they met in California where they were both in rehab and then ran away from rehab and jumped a bus riding across the country to where we are now. Yeah. Very "Thelma and Louise" of them. Especially because considering they were rehab runaways, they DID have to shoplift quite a bit to "survive" o_O

So fast forward time. And here we all are. Each with a story. a past. CRAZINESS. and we've all managed to find one another, and come together in this sober house trying to not better our lives, but to make lives for ourselves.

And in this, we found love. They really were soulmates to me...a missing link that I'd always always wanted...real friendship. We just clicked. We laughed, we cried, we were there for one another, and it was love.

However, something became abundantly clear as we went on our journeys ...I was done with the old life and the girl I once was. They were not.
I got kicked out of the sober house early on not because of using, but because of an old addiction I was unable to "kick" per-se. My bulimia, my eating disorder, my Achilles heel.
The owner found out about it and promptly booted me to the curb. Truth be known, I think she was LOOKING for ANY reason to boot me because she has her own issues, and I truly believe she was jealous of me. But once again. That isn't this story.

So there I was. Newly sober and once again homeless. I had a choice. I could give in to it again, or I could put on my "big girl panties" and GET. IT. TOGETHER. so I did.
I mean...If I could get so sick, perhaps I could actually get well?? It was a new challenge. I was up for it.

I moved in with my boyfriend and got a full time job that I actually liked and learned how to manage money. He helped me so much. He taught me how to manage money, he was also sober, also a recovered addict, and he just loved me.
I had never been loved like that before.
I mean...I was always the girl who was fucked. Not loved.
It was exhilirating. I smiled more...My body tingled. Life was exciting and not so daunting. I was working hard in bi-weekly therapy sessions, each month that ticked by was another month of sobriety, stability, mental health, all NEW things. I was healing and recovering.

However, B and G were not. They were still on a downward spiral, starting to use in secret while still living in the sober house (which for obvious reasons, made me SO mad) and meanwhile, I stood by them and loved them and tried to influence them, and not vice versa.

A lot of things happened in between then and now, but once again, that isn't a part of this story...so I'll keep going.
Finally, they were kicked out of the sober house, and I was living in a large apartment I'd been sharing with a mutal friend of boyfriend and mine. Both boyfriend and mutal friend moved away at the same time...so it made perfect sense the girls would move in. So they did.

Meanwhile, I was finally at a place of sobriety and stability where I could go back to school. I was beyond terrified, I couldn't face another failure again. However, I was focused and clear minded and I thrived! I was doing so well in school, I loved thinking, and feeling competent and successful again after years of being the epitome of a fuck up. I was paying my own bills, taking care of myself, working a job I loved, and then I was taking care of B and G as they continued to flounder.
They were hell to live with. Messy is the biggest understatement. The apartment was constantly TRASHED. And then after going to school all morning, working all day and evening, I'd come home to it and have to clean it all up and do homework, repeat. repeat. repeat.
It was wearing me OUT.

They started bringing drugs and alcohol into the home...shady people. I felt so unsafe. My bills were skyrocketing with them blasting the AC on full blast and literally keeping every light in the world on. -_-
One night they showed up to a party I was at (a rarety for my busy schedule!) and they were soooooooo drunk, stoned, rolling, and barred out. They could barely stand straight and they had two 40 something year olds with them that they just picked up off the side of the road...intending to let them "Crash" at "our" place.
That. was. IT.
The lease was about to end and I was getting the FUCK out.

It was definitely for the best as I had become extremely chaos intolerant and they were all about the chaos.
So I worked quickly and found myself an apartment that I LOVED, that had what I was looking for and was a few minutes away from work and most of all, it was MINE!! all mine, with NO roommates!

In the wake of all of this, the pain of seeing my soulmates no longer in the same solar system as me was brutual. Along with losing them, my other good friends (boyfriend included) had moved away at the same time and I was suddenly all alone. I was sad. But proud of myself for moving forward and staying focused with my goals.

And so once again, a lot of stuff has happened between that moment and this one, but this is getting to be a loooooong story.

So I get the text from B saying that she was homeless and needed a place to stay. That G had drunkely crashed her car on purpose trying to kill herself. And now G was in the psych hospital with a broken back.

...

I was FURIOUS. and so sad, and so full of love for them still. So I calmed myself down and collected my thoughts before I called her. I told B that I loved her way too much to let her come stay with me. I told her she needs to make a decision. because she's been running around with G for months acting as if there are no consequences to their actions...living off of G's rich father, when B doesn't even have a car of her own. She has nothing.
I told B that it's time she "puts on the big girl panties" and that she's really NOT the exception to the rule...why should everyone else work their asses off to take care of themselves while she manipulates those to take care of her? She needs to get a job and support herself. She needs to finally get sober, she needs to say FAR AWAY from G.
They're so toxic for one another. They destroy each other obviously

Anyways, it was hard saying all of that to her, but also validating. I told her, of course she couldn't stay with me when the last time I tried that you slapped me in the face for it.

Burn me once, shame on you. Burn me twice, shame on me.

Anyways, I love you B and G. I'm thinking of you and sending good thoughts into the Universe for you.

Love,
Heather