I'm taking Nat King Cole's advice...

Smile. Though your heart is aching...
Smile. Even though it's breaking.

When there are clouds in the sky, You'll get by if you Smile through your fear and sorrow.
Smile, and maybe tomorrow, You'll see the sun come shining through...

Light up your face with gladness.
Hide every trace of sadness.
Although a tear may be ever so near...
That's the time you must keep on trying.
Smile. What's the use of crying?

You'll find that life is much worthwhile...if you just smile.

:-/...I mean... :-]

In my never ending quest for Enlightenment and Spiritual Growth,
I can't help but try to look at it from her point of view...

The her I'm referring to is of course, my ever frustrating boss.

The woman works a six figure job in a room literally the size of my closet... I think my closet is probably bigger, actually. That in and of itself is pretty amazing. Good thing she isn't claustrophobic. I think I'd go crazy in there.

I'm reading in my technical communication text book right now about differing culture variables, and how they can affect communication.
Well, Apparently, Americans tend to be extremely individualistic and see a large separation between their "business life" and their "personal life." That is, when they leave "the office," they walk into a different world with a different set of responsibilities, etc.

Well, obviously, since she's working in that hole in the wall, she can't exactly do that... and then she has to listen to "her other world."

If I were in her place, I don't think I could do it...I'd probably be worse. I'd probably be MORE controlling than she is, thinking no one can care for my baby as good as me, and I think it would hurt me...to be so close and being able to hear and listen to everything, but yet, not being the one taking care of the domestic realm and kids. She has one foot in both worlds' simultaneously and it seems like she's being split in two as each one pulls at her and she's not doing a good job in either world because of it.

You can't have your cake and eat it too.

Parents aren't meant to literally WATCH the childcare they've hired.
It just goes against nature.

My job would be perfect if only her office were down the street.

I don't know how she's happy...I'd feel beyond trapped in that house if I were her.

This seems to be my new thing lately...

I just had a nice Skype date with David, my boyfriend, and literally I kept crying every two seconds.

I would cry because I was too happy, because he'd say something so beautifully sweet or would be so ridiculous and have me laughing so hard, and then I would fall in love with him all over again.
Then I'd cry because I was too sad...because he's not here with me. He never is.
And then I'd cry because I'm so scared.

I'm so scared losing him simply because there are many many obstacles ahead for us, and it's going to be more difficult than it is easy.

... I've just had some crazy emotions going on lately.

Ever since I got back from my Montana trip a few weeks ago, things have not been right with me.

I attributed it to major PMS.
But now, that's over with. So, in theory, I should be "normalizing" again... but I'm not at all.

I just don't feel happy at the moment.

I had such an amazing time in Montana with his family, with him, and with the way of life.

I've just been in a state of discontent since I got home...

Texas, and Dallas, just doesn't seem to fit me anymore. Not that it ever really has when I think about it.

I'm just at that place of really discovering myself and once again, it just fucking HURTS not to be with the person I love so much. It's just unbearable to me.

I can get excited about school and my ultimate goals, but I feel weighed down and depressed about work.

And it's weird...things with work seem like they're TOO much for me to handle until I actually get to work. And then once I'm there, I snap out of it and do what I need to do, and I get along with their mother quite fine.

It's when I'm not there and go through periods of not seeing her, that the thought of ever going back looms over me and I want to run away screaming. I'm just getting to a place where I'm running out of patience and the bitter towards her is quickly taking its place.

I just want to be with the person I love.
It doesn't seem like such a demanding thing to want.

But yet it's impossible at the moment. For many valid reasons.
and it pisses me off! it's not fair!

and so I cry.

I'm so tired of crying.

...oops. I became THAT girl

After almost a week of seeing nothing but the four walls of my apartment with me, myself, and I, I ventured outside today.

The sun was bright. It made me squint.
The rays felt great on my skin and I soaked in the warmth as much as I could as I hurried to my car.

Why do I hurry to my car? Culture I suppose. I'm American, damnit! Which means, I have to act as if the entire world will implode in on itself if I'm not moving as quickly as possible at all times.

...

I became acutely aware this week how much this mantra is embedded in my American poisoned brain. Because this week, I came down with some form of flu, possibly H1N1, and thus, I had no choice but to move slowly. It was my only speed that my 102+ fever would allow.

Needless to say, it's been hard to "adjust," mostly because I just don't feel well and can't get comfortable. It's the school work I'm really worried about. It's hard to focus on what little I've done, but Lady Luck has been on my side this week because my Tech Writing class was canceled this morning and I just got notice that my lab is canceled for tomorrow. YAY.
That helps.

I've enjoyed not working...I obviously miss the babies, but my boss is once again pissing me off because she's selfish and I feel like she's perpetually mad at me. Eh. Story of my life though.

Oh, and I was watching stupid "Teen Mom" on MTV last night...a reality tv show obviously about teen moms. And I just can't help but notice the stark contrast between every other baby I see in the world and the two I take care of....
The two I take care of are literally the MOST high maintenance, demanding little guys. Seriously. It shouldn't be so hard!
That selfish woman ruined her kids. ugh.

hmmm...so I realize this blog has been all over the place and isn't even about what I originally was going to talk about. but I haven't talked to anyone all week so my thoughts are a little jumbled...

So I was craving some crazy starchy, salty foods and at Dear Sharon's suggestion, I hit up Boston Market for mashed potatoes, mac and cheese, sweet potatoes and a giant chocolate brownie. MMMM
I didn't eat it all in one sitting obviously...my pitiful stomach is too shrunken now, but what I did eat was SO GOOD.

But I realized as I was at the counter ordering that I had turned into THAT girl as I jabbered on and on about everything going on in my life to the Boston Market girl scooping up my food when she never prompted nor asked me about said life.

Oops.

Oh well. Sorry I became massive TMI girl, Boston Market lady. But your ears were available and I have a week of talking to make up for!

I hate that this issue even continues to be on my mind.

But yet it is... I'm trying to actively "think positive" about my body and about myself instead of succumbing to the gnawing pangs of "not good enough." "If only's" etc.

Last night, in a desperately dark mood and beyond exhausted from school and work, I lay on the couch at 1am watching E's Sexiest Voluptuous Vixens, mesmerized by the electric sex on the screen (Thank you Christmas Story for that Epic Phrase.)

But I just felt so...off.

I appreciated what the show was trying to do in shining a light over the beauty of a natural female form, rather than the FUCKED up standard that is held in the US...Not a starved, skeletal, blank looking girl was on the screen.

But also...I noticed there were hardly any "white girls" on the screen either. Let alone American born girls.
Almost every girl featured was Latin, from Cuba, Brazil, Europe. They all were Brunette, sultry, beautiful...basically they were doing what Americans have done...holding ONE KIND OF BEAUTY standard up for all to meet.

And before I knew it, I was wishing my hair were brown and I looked more exotic.
I was completely ogling and jealous of their round, bountiful breasts.
UGH. TV= BAD.

I'm a weird Hybrid. From the waist up, I look like the American beauty standard...blond hair, light eyes, completely thin (ie. NO BOOBS!)
from the waist down, I'm Latin, I'm from Cuba, I'm CURVY.

I feel mismatched.

So today I'm trying to see the beauty in my own body.
Beauty Standards be damned!

I'm feeling a little trapped and cranky.

Grateful for David who says things to me that aren't pleasant to hear...that make me feel embarrassed because I realize how true they are.

Oh Self Reflection. You can be a real bitch sometimes.

But I'm striving to check my ego and wrap myself in humility.

Anyways. I'm having one of those ridiculous days where I want to jump in my car and drive away...to go have an adventure.

And then the panic of "no money" hits me in the face.

It's going to be really tough to even make my rent this month, let alone have much food to eat.
*sigh*

I'm watching a Brady Bunch marathon today and feeling pangs in my chest...
I want to jump into the screen and be part of that perfect TV family in that seemingly perfect time.

When things in life were so much simpler, but still comfortable. When a person could actually go to college without MOUNTAINS of debt. When A family could actually live on one salary and girls still knew how to sew and wore aprons.

Before everything got so damn jaded.

Hopefully I'm just having a mean case of PMS...

Take that lonliness!

Things I'm happy about today:

1. Plans to hang out with my Britty Bear Saturday night.

2. I got a text out of the blue from two girls who I really liked and lost touch with inviting me to join them for weekly Sunday night Yoga at the school gym.

3. I'm about to do pilates (YAY) because I feel like SHIT about myself from all the ice cream I've been eating lately.

4. I didn't act on eating disorder symptoms with the ice cream or in regards to how I was feeling the other day.

5. I get to take care of two adorable babies who love me.

6. I have the greatest boyfriend...he really gets me.

7. I have a good family. I hope we can continue to heal as a family...

8. I love my apartment. It's cute and peaceful and MINE.

9. I like my mind and it's capabilities and I feel intelligent.

10. I like my blonde hair.

11. My future has BRIGHT POSSIBILITIES!

12. There was a new episode of Criminal Minds on tonight...It. was. AWESOME.

....

That is all for now.
<3

shut up sick chick!

I'm having one of those moments in recovery where "anorexia seems like a GREAT idea!"

*sigh*

It seems like such an OBVIOUS idea...like, "duh! of COURSE I should only eat 500 cals today."

I'm finally getting to the place in recovery where most days, I can think in the "Healthy Heather" voice before I think in the "Crazy, sick, dying Heather voice"

However, today, I woke up and the sick chick is stomping around my brain throwing a tantrum.

It's all because I lost those couple of pounds....

That is what non stop work, school, traveling, and a nasty stomach virus will do to a girl.

Getting sick is apparently a big trigger? The old familiar WHOOSH swept over me as I stood on the scale and saw a number I haven't seen in a while.

The funny thing is though, that I'm actually thinner in recovery overall, than I ever was as sick...Because I was constantly gaining and losing the same 15-20 lbs....always on the roller coaster. Now that I don't drink or use drugs, now that I eat healthy and hardly binge and purge, my weight has stabilized at about 122-124 at 5'6. That is still thin. I'm not a fat girl. I know that cognitively. But the sick chick likes to scream at me that I'm pathetic and that OF COURSE I'M HUGE!
Now I lost those few pounds and I felt the SWOOSH while standing on the scale that I haven't felt in so long because my weight has been so stable for so long.

Anyways, I just needed to get that off my chest.

...I'm feeling a little better.
Sometimes I just get so lonley.

Just More Proof that "Normal" does not exist...

What an appropriate lesson to be reiterated on Christmas Eve...

I received my annual letter from my friend, Chris, whom I went to high school with, and in all honesty, wasn't on MY radar too often.

He and I had a class together in the 10th grade. He's highly intelligent, extremely detailed oriented and probably one of the most insightful people I know.

He's also autistic. I'm not to sure the details or limitations of his disability other than what I've observed and what he has told me.

I do know that he was in a mix of "normal" classes and special education classes in high school. I do know that he was EXTREMELY literal. If the teacher were busy, and he needed help and asked, the teacher would say, "just a minute" and from there, Chris would stare at the clock like it held the truth to life in it and time EXACTLY one minute, and then ask again.

Suffice to say, most kids in high school are assholes. Especially the privileged little shits I went to high school with who drove the BMW's that daddy bought for them and thought it was highly entertaining to tease and torture Chris.

I did what I could to try and be a friend to him and defend him in our 10th grade history class. I always made sure he was my partner for our group work. I went to his birthday party at the arcade and gave him an art set because he was constantly drawing and dreaming of being a cartoonist and showing me his work.

I danced with him at Prom and took a picture with him, to which his mother told me he had pinned up next to his bed.

To me, these weren't extraordinary acts....just DECENT acts. What everyone should have been doing. But it meant something to him and that is humbling. To know that even after all these years, he still writes me and considers me a good friend.

Well I just got his Christmas letter to which he wrote:

In addition to the comics, I will start to read a few books which I think may offer me a step closer to be social. I have been trying to improve my vocabulary that might come in useful when I want to communicate with others, because most of my conversations are about movies and video games. Which is kinda weird. My mother, on the other hand, doesn't want me to use the vocabulary terms since they are strange. She also wants me to play Special Olympics when I move back to Texas, and that's what worries me, because I want to move out on my own and make decisions for myself. This is how I see the world of people with disabilities: Even if people are highly functional and have a learning disability, Normal people will continue to treat them differently, whether it is people they are working for at a company, people that are tutoring them about something they want to learn about, or people they are taking on a date.

The dating part is the main issue. I hope that one day, when I move back to Texas, I will find a girlfriend. I also feel that when I am disabled/high functioning, I'm not free to make my own choices. I may not have the privaledge to drive a car. People will tell me what to participate in, who I should hang out with or date, and how I should live my life. Sometimes I feel as if I'm trapped in a prison where normal people will get to do those things. I would give anything to live a normal life. Hopefully, getting a driver's license, getting a better job, going through college, getting a house/apartment, finding a girlfriend and hoping one day I will marry her and have kids, and live a better life until the day I die.

That is my story. I hope you understand what I'm going through. Enjoy the rest of your Christmas and I hope to see you again soon when I move back to Texas.

Yours Truly, Chris

He would be shocked how similar we feel. Everyone has their own "personal prison" that they dream of breaking out of to live a better life.
I do understand your story, Chris. I do.
Thank you for being my friend.

He always surprises me at how eloquently he can put things...which sadly, means I was one of those people holding the walls up in HIS prison.

Life Lesson: Never underestimate someone. Normal does not exist.

I love when that happens :D

My dreaded part of the day..."getting ready for bed."

I haaaaaaate taking out my contacts and then from there, taking off my make-up and washing my face all clean.

It takes a good ten minutes to do.

And I know it sounds ridiculous and you're thinking, "what's the big fucking deal?"

But it's just TEDIOUS. When I'm so exhausted and just READY TO GO TO BED RIGHT NOW, nothing is worse than dealing with that. Rubbing my eyes with white tissues that become smeared and black with my "beauty."

But HURRAH! A happy surprise...I didn't wear makeup today!

so I can just go to bed!

I LOVE when that happens :D