shut up sick chick!

I'm having one of those moments in recovery where "anorexia seems like a GREAT idea!"

*sigh*

It seems like such an OBVIOUS idea...like, "duh! of COURSE I should only eat 500 cals today."

I'm finally getting to the place in recovery where most days, I can think in the "Healthy Heather" voice before I think in the "Crazy, sick, dying Heather voice"

However, today, I woke up and the sick chick is stomping around my brain throwing a tantrum.

It's all because I lost those couple of pounds....

That is what non stop work, school, traveling, and a nasty stomach virus will do to a girl.

Getting sick is apparently a big trigger? The old familiar WHOOSH swept over me as I stood on the scale and saw a number I haven't seen in a while.

The funny thing is though, that I'm actually thinner in recovery overall, than I ever was as sick...Because I was constantly gaining and losing the same 15-20 lbs....always on the roller coaster. Now that I don't drink or use drugs, now that I eat healthy and hardly binge and purge, my weight has stabilized at about 122-124 at 5'6. That is still thin. I'm not a fat girl. I know that cognitively. But the sick chick likes to scream at me that I'm pathetic and that OF COURSE I'M HUGE!
Now I lost those few pounds and I felt the SWOOSH while standing on the scale that I haven't felt in so long because my weight has been so stable for so long.

Anyways, I just needed to get that off my chest.

...I'm feeling a little better.
Sometimes I just get so lonley.