I'm taking Nat King Cole's advice...

Smile. Though your heart is aching...
Smile. Even though it's breaking.

When there are clouds in the sky, You'll get by if you Smile through your fear and sorrow.
Smile, and maybe tomorrow, You'll see the sun come shining through...

Light up your face with gladness.
Hide every trace of sadness.
Although a tear may be ever so near...
That's the time you must keep on trying.
Smile. What's the use of crying?

You'll find that life is much worthwhile...if you just smile.

:-/...I mean... :-]

In my never ending quest for Enlightenment and Spiritual Growth,
I can't help but try to look at it from her point of view...

The her I'm referring to is of course, my ever frustrating boss.

The woman works a six figure job in a room literally the size of my closet... I think my closet is probably bigger, actually. That in and of itself is pretty amazing. Good thing she isn't claustrophobic. I think I'd go crazy in there.

I'm reading in my technical communication text book right now about differing culture variables, and how they can affect communication.
Well, Apparently, Americans tend to be extremely individualistic and see a large separation between their "business life" and their "personal life." That is, when they leave "the office," they walk into a different world with a different set of responsibilities, etc.

Well, obviously, since she's working in that hole in the wall, she can't exactly do that... and then she has to listen to "her other world."

If I were in her place, I don't think I could do it...I'd probably be worse. I'd probably be MORE controlling than she is, thinking no one can care for my baby as good as me, and I think it would hurt me...to be so close and being able to hear and listen to everything, but yet, not being the one taking care of the domestic realm and kids. She has one foot in both worlds' simultaneously and it seems like she's being split in two as each one pulls at her and she's not doing a good job in either world because of it.

You can't have your cake and eat it too.

Parents aren't meant to literally WATCH the childcare they've hired.
It just goes against nature.

My job would be perfect if only her office were down the street.

I don't know how she's happy...I'd feel beyond trapped in that house if I were her.

This seems to be my new thing lately...

I just had a nice Skype date with David, my boyfriend, and literally I kept crying every two seconds.

I would cry because I was too happy, because he'd say something so beautifully sweet or would be so ridiculous and have me laughing so hard, and then I would fall in love with him all over again.
Then I'd cry because I was too sad...because he's not here with me. He never is.
And then I'd cry because I'm so scared.

I'm so scared losing him simply because there are many many obstacles ahead for us, and it's going to be more difficult than it is easy.

... I've just had some crazy emotions going on lately.

Ever since I got back from my Montana trip a few weeks ago, things have not been right with me.

I attributed it to major PMS.
But now, that's over with. So, in theory, I should be "normalizing" again... but I'm not at all.

I just don't feel happy at the moment.

I had such an amazing time in Montana with his family, with him, and with the way of life.

I've just been in a state of discontent since I got home...

Texas, and Dallas, just doesn't seem to fit me anymore. Not that it ever really has when I think about it.

I'm just at that place of really discovering myself and once again, it just fucking HURTS not to be with the person I love so much. It's just unbearable to me.

I can get excited about school and my ultimate goals, but I feel weighed down and depressed about work.

And it's weird...things with work seem like they're TOO much for me to handle until I actually get to work. And then once I'm there, I snap out of it and do what I need to do, and I get along with their mother quite fine.

It's when I'm not there and go through periods of not seeing her, that the thought of ever going back looms over me and I want to run away screaming. I'm just getting to a place where I'm running out of patience and the bitter towards her is quickly taking its place.

I just want to be with the person I love.
It doesn't seem like such a demanding thing to want.

But yet it's impossible at the moment. For many valid reasons.
and it pisses me off! it's not fair!

and so I cry.

I'm so tired of crying.

...oops. I became THAT girl

After almost a week of seeing nothing but the four walls of my apartment with me, myself, and I, I ventured outside today.

The sun was bright. It made me squint.
The rays felt great on my skin and I soaked in the warmth as much as I could as I hurried to my car.

Why do I hurry to my car? Culture I suppose. I'm American, damnit! Which means, I have to act as if the entire world will implode in on itself if I'm not moving as quickly as possible at all times.

...

I became acutely aware this week how much this mantra is embedded in my American poisoned brain. Because this week, I came down with some form of flu, possibly H1N1, and thus, I had no choice but to move slowly. It was my only speed that my 102+ fever would allow.

Needless to say, it's been hard to "adjust," mostly because I just don't feel well and can't get comfortable. It's the school work I'm really worried about. It's hard to focus on what little I've done, but Lady Luck has been on my side this week because my Tech Writing class was canceled this morning and I just got notice that my lab is canceled for tomorrow. YAY.
That helps.

I've enjoyed not working...I obviously miss the babies, but my boss is once again pissing me off because she's selfish and I feel like she's perpetually mad at me. Eh. Story of my life though.

Oh, and I was watching stupid "Teen Mom" on MTV last night...a reality tv show obviously about teen moms. And I just can't help but notice the stark contrast between every other baby I see in the world and the two I take care of....
The two I take care of are literally the MOST high maintenance, demanding little guys. Seriously. It shouldn't be so hard!
That selfish woman ruined her kids. ugh.

hmmm...so I realize this blog has been all over the place and isn't even about what I originally was going to talk about. but I haven't talked to anyone all week so my thoughts are a little jumbled...

So I was craving some crazy starchy, salty foods and at Dear Sharon's suggestion, I hit up Boston Market for mashed potatoes, mac and cheese, sweet potatoes and a giant chocolate brownie. MMMM
I didn't eat it all in one sitting obviously...my pitiful stomach is too shrunken now, but what I did eat was SO GOOD.

But I realized as I was at the counter ordering that I had turned into THAT girl as I jabbered on and on about everything going on in my life to the Boston Market girl scooping up my food when she never prompted nor asked me about said life.

Oops.

Oh well. Sorry I became massive TMI girl, Boston Market lady. But your ears were available and I have a week of talking to make up for!

I hate that this issue even continues to be on my mind.

But yet it is... I'm trying to actively "think positive" about my body and about myself instead of succumbing to the gnawing pangs of "not good enough." "If only's" etc.

Last night, in a desperately dark mood and beyond exhausted from school and work, I lay on the couch at 1am watching E's Sexiest Voluptuous Vixens, mesmerized by the electric sex on the screen (Thank you Christmas Story for that Epic Phrase.)

But I just felt so...off.

I appreciated what the show was trying to do in shining a light over the beauty of a natural female form, rather than the FUCKED up standard that is held in the US...Not a starved, skeletal, blank looking girl was on the screen.

But also...I noticed there were hardly any "white girls" on the screen either. Let alone American born girls.
Almost every girl featured was Latin, from Cuba, Brazil, Europe. They all were Brunette, sultry, beautiful...basically they were doing what Americans have done...holding ONE KIND OF BEAUTY standard up for all to meet.

And before I knew it, I was wishing my hair were brown and I looked more exotic.
I was completely ogling and jealous of their round, bountiful breasts.
UGH. TV= BAD.

I'm a weird Hybrid. From the waist up, I look like the American beauty standard...blond hair, light eyes, completely thin (ie. NO BOOBS!)
from the waist down, I'm Latin, I'm from Cuba, I'm CURVY.

I feel mismatched.

So today I'm trying to see the beauty in my own body.
Beauty Standards be damned!

I'm feeling a little trapped and cranky.

Grateful for David who says things to me that aren't pleasant to hear...that make me feel embarrassed because I realize how true they are.

Oh Self Reflection. You can be a real bitch sometimes.

But I'm striving to check my ego and wrap myself in humility.

Anyways. I'm having one of those ridiculous days where I want to jump in my car and drive away...to go have an adventure.

And then the panic of "no money" hits me in the face.

It's going to be really tough to even make my rent this month, let alone have much food to eat.
*sigh*

I'm watching a Brady Bunch marathon today and feeling pangs in my chest...
I want to jump into the screen and be part of that perfect TV family in that seemingly perfect time.

When things in life were so much simpler, but still comfortable. When a person could actually go to college without MOUNTAINS of debt. When A family could actually live on one salary and girls still knew how to sew and wore aprons.

Before everything got so damn jaded.

Hopefully I'm just having a mean case of PMS...

Take that lonliness!

Things I'm happy about today:

1. Plans to hang out with my Britty Bear Saturday night.

2. I got a text out of the blue from two girls who I really liked and lost touch with inviting me to join them for weekly Sunday night Yoga at the school gym.

3. I'm about to do pilates (YAY) because I feel like SHIT about myself from all the ice cream I've been eating lately.

4. I didn't act on eating disorder symptoms with the ice cream or in regards to how I was feeling the other day.

5. I get to take care of two adorable babies who love me.

6. I have the greatest boyfriend...he really gets me.

7. I have a good family. I hope we can continue to heal as a family...

8. I love my apartment. It's cute and peaceful and MINE.

9. I like my mind and it's capabilities and I feel intelligent.

10. I like my blonde hair.

11. My future has BRIGHT POSSIBILITIES!

12. There was a new episode of Criminal Minds on tonight...It. was. AWESOME.

....

That is all for now.
<3

shut up sick chick!

I'm having one of those moments in recovery where "anorexia seems like a GREAT idea!"

*sigh*

It seems like such an OBVIOUS idea...like, "duh! of COURSE I should only eat 500 cals today."

I'm finally getting to the place in recovery where most days, I can think in the "Healthy Heather" voice before I think in the "Crazy, sick, dying Heather voice"

However, today, I woke up and the sick chick is stomping around my brain throwing a tantrum.

It's all because I lost those couple of pounds....

That is what non stop work, school, traveling, and a nasty stomach virus will do to a girl.

Getting sick is apparently a big trigger? The old familiar WHOOSH swept over me as I stood on the scale and saw a number I haven't seen in a while.

The funny thing is though, that I'm actually thinner in recovery overall, than I ever was as sick...Because I was constantly gaining and losing the same 15-20 lbs....always on the roller coaster. Now that I don't drink or use drugs, now that I eat healthy and hardly binge and purge, my weight has stabilized at about 122-124 at 5'6. That is still thin. I'm not a fat girl. I know that cognitively. But the sick chick likes to scream at me that I'm pathetic and that OF COURSE I'M HUGE!
Now I lost those few pounds and I felt the SWOOSH while standing on the scale that I haven't felt in so long because my weight has been so stable for so long.

Anyways, I just needed to get that off my chest.

...I'm feeling a little better.
Sometimes I just get so lonley.

Just More Proof that "Normal" does not exist...

What an appropriate lesson to be reiterated on Christmas Eve...

I received my annual letter from my friend, Chris, whom I went to high school with, and in all honesty, wasn't on MY radar too often.

He and I had a class together in the 10th grade. He's highly intelligent, extremely detailed oriented and probably one of the most insightful people I know.

He's also autistic. I'm not to sure the details or limitations of his disability other than what I've observed and what he has told me.

I do know that he was in a mix of "normal" classes and special education classes in high school. I do know that he was EXTREMELY literal. If the teacher were busy, and he needed help and asked, the teacher would say, "just a minute" and from there, Chris would stare at the clock like it held the truth to life in it and time EXACTLY one minute, and then ask again.

Suffice to say, most kids in high school are assholes. Especially the privileged little shits I went to high school with who drove the BMW's that daddy bought for them and thought it was highly entertaining to tease and torture Chris.

I did what I could to try and be a friend to him and defend him in our 10th grade history class. I always made sure he was my partner for our group work. I went to his birthday party at the arcade and gave him an art set because he was constantly drawing and dreaming of being a cartoonist and showing me his work.

I danced with him at Prom and took a picture with him, to which his mother told me he had pinned up next to his bed.

To me, these weren't extraordinary acts....just DECENT acts. What everyone should have been doing. But it meant something to him and that is humbling. To know that even after all these years, he still writes me and considers me a good friend.

Well I just got his Christmas letter to which he wrote:

In addition to the comics, I will start to read a few books which I think may offer me a step closer to be social. I have been trying to improve my vocabulary that might come in useful when I want to communicate with others, because most of my conversations are about movies and video games. Which is kinda weird. My mother, on the other hand, doesn't want me to use the vocabulary terms since they are strange. She also wants me to play Special Olympics when I move back to Texas, and that's what worries me, because I want to move out on my own and make decisions for myself. This is how I see the world of people with disabilities: Even if people are highly functional and have a learning disability, Normal people will continue to treat them differently, whether it is people they are working for at a company, people that are tutoring them about something they want to learn about, or people they are taking on a date.

The dating part is the main issue. I hope that one day, when I move back to Texas, I will find a girlfriend. I also feel that when I am disabled/high functioning, I'm not free to make my own choices. I may not have the privaledge to drive a car. People will tell me what to participate in, who I should hang out with or date, and how I should live my life. Sometimes I feel as if I'm trapped in a prison where normal people will get to do those things. I would give anything to live a normal life. Hopefully, getting a driver's license, getting a better job, going through college, getting a house/apartment, finding a girlfriend and hoping one day I will marry her and have kids, and live a better life until the day I die.

That is my story. I hope you understand what I'm going through. Enjoy the rest of your Christmas and I hope to see you again soon when I move back to Texas.

Yours Truly, Chris

He would be shocked how similar we feel. Everyone has their own "personal prison" that they dream of breaking out of to live a better life.
I do understand your story, Chris. I do.
Thank you for being my friend.

He always surprises me at how eloquently he can put things...which sadly, means I was one of those people holding the walls up in HIS prison.

Life Lesson: Never underestimate someone. Normal does not exist.

I love when that happens :D

My dreaded part of the day..."getting ready for bed."

I haaaaaaate taking out my contacts and then from there, taking off my make-up and washing my face all clean.

It takes a good ten minutes to do.

And I know it sounds ridiculous and you're thinking, "what's the big fucking deal?"

But it's just TEDIOUS. When I'm so exhausted and just READY TO GO TO BED RIGHT NOW, nothing is worse than dealing with that. Rubbing my eyes with white tissues that become smeared and black with my "beauty."

But HURRAH! A happy surprise...I didn't wear makeup today!

so I can just go to bed!

I LOVE when that happens :D

Nothin' like smelling like Baby Barf to make a girl feel HOT.

o_O

What's wrong with me?

Hello Depression...It's been a while.

I'm not talking about the "feeling a little blue" or having an "off week."

I'm talking about full blown depression that makes EVERYTHING exhausting.
That makes you avoid the phone and calling the people you love because you just don't have the energy to pretend everything is ok.

I'm talking about the kind of depression that makes 1pm feel like 6am in the morning and you're just so so tired and question if you can even get out of bed that day.

The kind of depression that has opened that dark, dark place in your mind and now that demon bitch who use to rule your life is stomping around inside your brain continually kicking your ass, and you're just so tired and you don't know if you can keep fighting her.

My mom, frantic, called an emergency session with my therapist tonight.
So I guess I'm going to that.

The Obvious Lesson...

well on night two of my new found love for baths, I learned an important, but rather obvious lesson.

I felt SUPER productive because I got a load of laundry done.
I went into the bathroom and started running my bath and felt the water before I put the drain stopper in and it was wonderful and steaming hot, just like I like it.

Well I decided to keep the productivity going, and went into my closet (where my washer and dryer are) to start another load of laundry. Once I got that going, I felt like my hot bath was MUCH deserved....I jumped right in only to discover BRRRRRRRRR....the hot water was going to the washing machine and not my relaxing bath.

I promptly jumped out of there and into some warm sweats and now I'm hiding under my covers NOT FEELING RELAXED.

Epic Fail.

Well now I know. Laundry + Baths do not mix.

Crazy Mood Swing Girl.

Well I've been on break from school for almost a week now.

The adjustment hasn't been going so well to say the least...

I'm SO use to going two trillion miles a second that I've truly forgotten how to relax. How to slow down and just be.

And it's been pretty convenient as a way to NOT deal with uncomfortable/sad/angry feelings I didn't realize were fostering in me.

I knew on some level, but I didn't realize the extent of them as this week I transformed into "CRAZY MOOD SWING GIRL" (eh. Sorry to David)

Well all those pent up feelings have been taking me for a wild ride and most of all...the complete and utter exhaustion has hit me.

I didn't realize how TIRED I was! I'm use to going to school all morning, thinking, thinking, going, going, then off to work, which caring for two babies and keeping the house running and spotless and making two neurotic parents happy all the time is Herculean in and of itself...and then I'd come home and do hours of homework/taking care of my own apartment, etc.

Now that I just have the work thing going on, I come home and I'm like a cranky old goose flapping my wings and crashing about my apartment with my feathers all ruffled. I go from anger, to sadness, to happiness and back. And I was just so restless! I didn't know what to do and the obvious thing, "SLEEP" comes to mind, but I've gotten to where I feel guilty for sleeping!
Like it's a luxury I can't afford and I'm being greedy and gluttonous and lazy and unproductive if I sleep!

So tonight I'm saying "PFFFT." to it all.

I had a really good therapy session.
I saw my good friend, Brittany.

I came home and took a long, relaxing bubble bath and read a book I've been wanting to read for a while but never had the time...I actually read for pleasure again!

It was lovely! and it felt GOOD.

And the content of the book is all about channeling what we all know inherently from the Non-Physical World (where we all have come from) but that we now have forgotten and blocked through the physical world's distractions and manifestations.

It's all about how to channel your positive energy to take the power and create your desired reality.

I really believe we're capable of doing that, and from here on out, I WILL focus on doing just that.

I'm going to attempt to start meditating. I'm going to do something good for myself everyday and most of all, I'M GOING TO SLEEP AND NOT FEEL GUILTY FOR IT!

So, I'm going to end this blog post and get off of here so I can put on my nice warm sheets from the dryer and go to bed.

I'm so damn tired.

Identity Crisis

So I go to a pretty common grocery store that is close to my apartment and I use my Tom Thumb card that gives me little discounts on each item I buy.

Well I've noticed, that everytime I give it to them, they swipe it, I get the discount and carry out my transaction and they always, always say,
"Thank you Ms. Swisher, have a good day."

...How nice of them, except my name ISN'T "Amy Swisher" as it says on my receipt.

So I'm thinking, the card must be assigned to an Amy Swisher because it only happens there and it's always her name.

hmmm, I wonder who this Amy Swisher person is?

I haven't come clean about it to the store because it's sort of fun being someone else while I grocery shop.
Brings a little mystery and excitement into my simple little life.

:-p

UGH.

You know it may be time to go to bed when you're so tired you accidently attempt to gouge your own eyes out...
I just tried to take out the contacts that I never put in today.

I wore my glasses today. -_-

doh.

Nursing School

Tomorrow is the day that I am applying to nursing school.
I finally received my official transcripts in the mail, so that I can submit them to the the Office of Records and let the people who choose my fate (aka. the school of nursing board members) have access to "my identity." (aka. my grades.)

It's just such a limited and narrow view of who I am though.
But in this dirty business called Nursing School, it is ALL that counts.

My grades. It shows my ability to focus and navigate the world of college...which is impressive in that it show that I am adaptable. But most people are.


But really? Grades: They're not an accurate gauge of "what kind of nurse I will be."

Today while I was at work, I had a crystal clear moment of exactly "what kind of nurse I will be" as I was cradling one of those precious babies that I love so so much...as I was caring for the family who I spend more time with than my own family. The family who comes to me to ask "where something is" because I'm the one that moved it there and keeps things clean and orderly. Making the babies laugh and when they're so upset or won't sleep, soothing them in my own special way that works even when their own mother can't get them to calm down.

They NEED me. And it's such a good feeling...but even more so, I NEED them.

I think back to when it all started. The suffocating, all consuming self-loathing.

I was 13 the first time I truly contemplated suicide.

I sat in my parents sunny living room...right in the center patch of sunlight that always illuminated one square area on the carpet as light shone through the window.

I sat there because I was cold and just wanted to feel the warmth and light on my skin. I sat there holding bottles of pills...my 13 year old mind trying to calculate what does would "do the job."

Why you ask? Because by 13 I knew that the world truly did not make sense and so far, it had dished out more pain and ugliness than my sensitive heart could stand.
It had already taught me that great injustice would prevail and there wasn't a damn thing I could do about it. It took away from little brother's childhood and cast a dark shadow over the entire family.

And then? The doctors said it was starting to happen to me.

So what's a 13 year old to do when she daily sees her potential future in her deteriorating brother? Sees her parent's incremental shattering as they try desperately to hold the pieces together?

She implodes.

However, the implosion doesn't completely happen for years later...not until the 13 year old makes through high school and gets to college. How did I make it?
I took care of him.
I devoted my entire adolescence to taking care of him and others.

At 16, my daily schedule consisted of waking up at 4:30am. Getting myself ready for school. Then, waking him, getting his breakfast made and brought upstairs to him. Dressing him. Helping him shave and with his hygiene. Getting his socks and shoes on. Down the stairs. Our bags packed. Loaded into the van. Wheel chair in the back. Get us to school by 6:00am for band practice. Transfer him from his manual chair to his electric chair which we stored at the school in a locked closet that I had the key to. Be done with practice by 8:00am. half a day of school and then leave for either the hospital or nursing home where I had an internship and worked half a day there taking care of residents and patients (bathing, dressing, feeding, shaving. etc.) 4:00 pm Rush back to school. Pick him up and take him home. Get him upstairs and situated with a snack and then rush off to my part-time job where I worked in a childcare taking care of little kids. Get home by 10 pm.

Repeat.

I had NO TIME to think about myself or to contemplate the escalating and building self contempt that was infecting my body and mind like a tumor.
Sub-consciously I knew it was there. I welcomed it and feared it all at the same time.

Then college comes. It all stops. I have no one to take care of but myself. The girl I hate more than anything and KABOOOOOM!

I implode. The next 3 years is the picture of a girl making up for years of potential self destruction time. She goes from 0 to 60 in a matter of nano-seconds.

And I did it well. I was so successful in fact that I nearly destroyed my life several times over.

And now I've come out of it on the other side...For a multitude of reasons, but I know a big reason is due to those babies. That family.
They needed me. But I needed them more.

I need to be a nurse.

Why? Because taking care of others is the only thing that keeps me sane. Keeps me centered. Makes me happy.

Makes me feel like I can do SOMETHING good in a world that isn't good.

I wish the school of nursing board members knew that.
But since my "precious" transcripts don't tell that story...I must go study.

I have finals this week.
MY FATE RESTS IN MY GRADES!
ah!

Let the Spirit Read...

So I just wanted to share these short stories from one of my favorite authors, the Lebanese prophet, Khalil Gibran.

The first one reminds me that there must be some sort of "bigger picture." I try not to feel like the ant who can only see exactly what is around me...

The three ants

Three ants met on the nose of a man who was lying asleep in the sun. And after they had saluted one another, each according to the custom of his tribe, they stood there conversing.

The first and said, “These hills and plains are the most barren I have known. I have searched all day for a grain of some sort, and there is none to be found.”

Said the second ant, “I too have found nothing, though I have visited every nook and glade. This is, I believe, what my people call the soft, moving land where nothing grows.”

Then the third ant raised his head and said, “My friends, we are standing now on the nose of the Supreme Ant, the mighty and infinite Ant, whose body is so great that we cannot see it, whose shadow is so vast that we cannot trace it, whose voice is so loud that we cannot hear it; and He is omnipresent.”

When the third ant spoke thus the other ants looked at each other and laughed.

At that moment the man moved and in his sleep raised his hand and scratched his nose, and the three ants were crushed.

This one is probably my favorite. It is a lesson that sadly, our culture has failed to teach our souls... it is my goal today to look at something considered conventionally "ugly" and see the beauty within.

Beauty and Ugliness

Upon a day Beauty and Ugliness met on the shore of a sea. And they said to one another, "Let us bathe in the sea". They disrobed and swam in the waters. And after a while Ugliness came back to the shore and garmented herself with the garments of Beauty and walked his way. And Beauty too came out of the sea, and found not her rainment, and she was too shy to be naked, therefore she dressed herself with the raiment of Ugliness. And Beauty walked her way... And to this very day men and women mistake the one for the other. Yet there are some who have beheld the face of Beauty, and know her not withstanding her garments.

This one is a mind trip. But reflects how I feel a lot of the time. My mind doesn't click the way most peoples' minds. I see and think about things that most do not. Is there something wrong with that, world?! HMM? They like to think yes...

The Eye

Said the Eye one day, “I see beyond these valleys a mountain veiled with blue mist. Is it not beautiful?”

The Ear listened, and after listening intently awhile, said, “But where is any mountain? I do not hear.”

Then the Hand spoke and said, “I am trying in vain to feel it or touch it, and I can find no mountain.”

And the Nose said, “There is no mountain, I cannot smell it.”

Then the Eye turned the other way, and they all began to talk together about the Eye's strange delusion. And they said, “Something must be the matter with the Eye.”

<3 Thank you for these Beautiful Words. <3

Tonight I was driving around a few towns over on a way to an appointment, and passed a shopping center surrounded by trees absolutely twinkling in white Christmas lights...it looked so magical!

And I had the Christmas station tuned in on the radio listening to christmas music, and Josh Grobin's "O Holy Night" came on and he sounded so beautiful and sang about the birth of Christ so passionately, that it made my heart ache a little.

Sometimes, I really genuinely wish I could believe in Jesus Christ.
It's such a lovely concept...

Obligation

Well, it was SO good to be back at work today after surviving marathon family time over Thanksgiving week.
The babies were beyond happy to see me...it was pretty cute...a girl will never know love like that of a little man who pees and poops on you and absolutely squeals in delight at the mere sight of you! haha, seriously, it makes me heart swell!

But along with being away from work comes marathon catch up time. I had to attempt to squeeze everything I do on the weekends over a two day period into one and came pretty damn close...I got all the sheets changed, and literally did a million loads of laundry. When I started, I was standing in a laundry mountain in their laundry room. The dad walked in and shuttered at the sight of it and just shook his head, ha.
But I didn't get it ALL done, so sorry to Sharon for having to finish it up tomorrow! But I really tried! haha

And then there was all the other cleaning along with giving the boys much needed "Heather time." They were both very clingy today, especially E.

Well my boss gave me my pick between one of her old Prada bags or a Michael Kors bag. Apparently it's a really big deal...but meh. The materialism and name brand stuff just doesn't matter to me.
I chose the Michael Kors bag because it was cuter than the Prada one, but honestly, it's just not my style. However, I'll have to carry it for a little while to show my appreciation becaue it would be rude not to.
*sigh* oh Obligation, you're a mean bitch.
heh.